Diaries Of a Dark Lord
by Sweetdeath04 and Thorney
Summary: One of the most hated Villians in history reveals his sensitive side. What he REALLY thinks about his situation in life and more importantly...the people he's working with.
1. Chapter One

_Disclaimer: We don't own it!!! Ok Fine!!!!_

**_A.N BEFORE YOU READ THIS LET US TELL YOU…………. THIS FIC IS SERIOUSLY RANDOM AND IS VERY SCARY! WE WROTE IT ON A SUGAR HIGH, OVER THE INTERNET!!!!_**

_**Chapter 1**_

**Diary Entry One**

I WANNA NEW DEATH STAR!!! Some idiot blew up my old one. I've been hinting to Vader that I want one for my 100th (?) lifeday, but I don't think he's picked up on it yet.

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry Two**

I am like so totally bugging!!!! Not only do I learn that I'm not one hundred as I always expected but I'm 150, Vader's own son like blew, up my beautiful Death Star!!!!!

My advice to all evil, powerful, and generally mean, people out there, if you have minions, don't let them have kids!!!!

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry Three**

Vader got me a life day present. Well... two lifeday presents

1. A mirror

And….

2. A personal plastic surgeon.

When I looked in the mirror, it broke and when my personal plastic surgeon saw my face he fainted of shock.

He must have been jealous that I manage to stay looking so young.

Still, I wanted a new and improved Death Star.

This hasn't been the best Lifeday ever.

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry four**

Mara is playing hard to get...... She must be

No female can resisted me! I'm better than a faleen at what I do!!!

They all go weak at the knees. Mara is no different!

I'll get her,

Just you wait Vader (I know you want her!)

I'll get her first!

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry Five**

Vader crushed another med droid using the Force.

That's a good thing that he wants to be so ... evil

But those droids cost LOTS OF CREDITS!!!!

Then when I confronted him about this monstrosity

He had the nerve to call me a "grumpy, Hutt skinned, Bantha breathed old geezer!"

He's getting too over dominating

I must be careful

But I WILL succeed!!

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry Six**

Muwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhh, it's been ages since I had a good old evil laugh!!!

Keeps me in touch with my Sithish side and it stops me getting to into material goods.....................

LIKE NEW DEATH STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cough).

**OXOXOX Grumpy Palpy**

**Diary Entry Seven**

Can't talk today. Throat's sore from all the evil laughing.

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry 8**

Vader left to day, on some random mission. (I don't keep track of them, though I pretend I do). Can't say I'll miss him.

It's not as if I don't like the guy, he's just so…………….difficult. AND SO EXPENSIVE TO KEEP!!!! When he has a hissy fit you end up paying thousands of credits to repair the damage. Plus, he is SOOOOOOO noisy! How am I supposed to think evil thoughts, with him going, WHOOOOO PAAAA, WHOOOOO PAAAA in the back ground???

Pheeeew, guess I don't like the guy.

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry 9**

I MISS DARTHY!!!!! There's no one to talk about evil stuff to! No one to talk about who to kill next, with!

**XOXOXO a Depressed Palpy.**

**DrINy AEntri io**

**DroWn_ed _**mY feelings_ inn booooze an**D Depress**in' _ ROCK BALIDS!!!!!

00**0**0_ Plippy_.

**Diary Entry 11**

Vader's back and his mission was successful. I think I need to get him a bigger helmet to hold his huge BIG-HEAD!!!!! That Sith is far too full of himself! I had a horrible hangover this morning.

**OXOXOX Palpy with a headache**

**Diary Entry 12**

I WISH VADER WASN'T HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**OXOXOX Indecisive Palpy**

**Diary Entry 13**

My Mara has left me to go on a mission. I miss her. All I have is Vader for company. And he's always on training sims. Med droids aren't all he's slaying. Those battle sims cost credits too! Might get myself a new apprentice.

**OXOXOX Palpy **

**Diary Entry 15**

MARA!!! MARA'S FORCE SENSITIVE!!!! IT'S HER!!!!! She will replace Vader!

**OXOXOX Palpy**

**Diary Entry 15**

Mara's not interested in becoming my apprentice! I don't understand why she wouldn't want to be trained by a sexy Sith like myself. Vader's against me! He's training my beloved Mara!!!

I've seen the way he looks at her…….well I can't see anything through that mask of his……but you know what I mean!

Must plot against Vader. Must humiliate him!

**OXOXOX plotting Palpy**

_**A.N Believe us or not…………. This entire chapter was written over a MSN conversation, between Thorney and Sweetdeath04! **_

**_Any diary entries with an odd number (1, 3, 5 etc) were written by Sweetdeath04. Even numbers, (2, 4, 6 etc) were written by Thorney and it will continue like that to the end!!! Just so you know._**

**_We'll update soon, Please R&R_**

_**Thorney and Sweetdeath04 **_


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: We don't own nothin'! It's not our fault that this just happens to be a brilliant set of films!

_**Chapter Two**_

_During our research we discovered that the next entries of Palpatine's Diary were too disfigured and covered in chilli con carne to make out. But we can continue from the next legible point. The entries are as follows._

**Diary Entry 396: Fed up with looking for the Rebels and my Ewok Bear! **

But on the dark side I wrote a song! I'm releasing it next month to earn a bit of extra cash. And anyone who doesn't buy it will answer to the Stormtroopers.

(cough) It goes……(A.N sung to the tune of jingle bells)

_Evil bells, evil bells_

_Evil bells are bad_

_They won't make you happy_

_They will make u sad!_

_OH_

_Evil bells, evil bells_

_They won't bring you presents_

_They will bring you things that smell like a dozen nerfs and gundarks!_

OK, OK the rhyming needs work.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 397:**

After working little on my song (it only got worse!) I had a little fun. Fun which _didn't_ include killing people. Vader believes that I'm getting too old for that kind of thing, though he won't admit it. I'll show him!

(coughs) Anyway, I sent a message to the Rebels, via a spy, saying, _"My Empire is bigger than yours! HA!" _

Very threatening and rather manly, if I do say so myself! They'll be shaking in their boots!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 398:**

(sniff) The Rebels are such bullies! (sniff) After I sent them that truly wonderful message via the Imperial spy, who was caught and fed to Wompas! (**A.N.** _wink!_) But then they sent me a message back saying,

"_Dear Mr Jerkface_

_Well at least we don't have to pay people to make them be our friends!_

_P.S. We are not shaking with fear as you might suppose, but from the cold! _**(A.N.**_Wink, wink!)_

_Yours Sincerely,_

_The Rebel Alliance"_

… I WISH I KNEW WHERE THEY ARE!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 399:**

After getting over the trauma of receiving such a disturbing letter, I came up with a witty reply and sent back,

"_Dear Rebels,_

_You don't have to pay your friends, it's true. But they have to pay you!_

_Yours truly,_

_Your **almighty **Emperor"_

I sent their last letter to intelligence. So far they have found no clues as to where the rebels are hiding. Vader is getting frustrated and cranky 'cause he can't find them. I'm getting frustrated and cranky 'cause he won't stop wining.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 400! MILESTONE:**

I dreamt about Mara last night, which has reinforced my love for her. I'm far too sly and cunning to simply tell her, so I did what any sensible man would do. I tried to make her jealous. I told her I had…. A GIRLFRIEND!

A strange look then came to her face, like she was in pain and tears were in her eyes. She was either really upset or she was trying very hard not to laugh. I hope it was the first option.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 401 :**

The rebels have not yet replied to my message. I don't know whether or not I'm glad. I don't want another message that will insult me, but I want another chance to insult them!

Mara has been avoiding me but every time I catch her she looks ready to cry-or laugh- but I'm pretty sure it's cry! Soon I will tell her I dumped my girl friend but first I have to go on a date with my imaginary girlfriend. Soon she will be mine! All mine! (Mara that is, not the imaginary girlfriend.)

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 402:**

As an excuse for going out with 'Iona' as I've christened her, I arranged for me and Vader to go on a 'business trip.' The plan being that I tell Mara that I'm away with Iona… It really didn't work.

She was chatting to Vader when he mentioned that he was going out later with me. So now Mara thinks I'm-

_The rest of this entry was blocked from our viewing by a giant blob of Tomato Ketchup. But I'm sure we can all guess what the last few words of this entry were!_

**A.N. **_This chapter was written on the plane on the way to America when Sweetdeath04 wasn't trying to amuse (or get away from her) a three year old boy who found her absolutely fascinating and wouldn't stop asking her which Power Ranger she wanted to be when she grew up. Sweetdeath04 plus Little Kids equals DISASTER!_

_We would have updated sooner but we were a bit busy skiing, falling, getting up, skiing again, falling again, getting up again and jumping out windows to escape from suicidal guys who wanted to ask Thorney out for a dare._

**Thorney: Hey! It wasn't just me!**

_Sweetdeath04: (looks at Thorney)_

**Thorney: Okay, so it was just me! But at least I gave the guy the right message in the end.**

_Sweetdeath04: Yeah, he asked if he was to take that punch as a yes. On Valentines Day. With a rose!_

**Thorney: Well, if I had the chance to go back, I'd punch him again and make his nose bleed even more.**

_Sweetdeath04: And that is the story of our ski trip! _

_We'll update soon but please bear in mind that we have exams now. Sorry it's so short! By the way, how stupid is Palpy? All those hints and he hasn't even worked out where the Rebels are!_

_Thanks goes to everyone who reviewed chapter one!_

_**Sweetdeath04 and Thorney**_


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: ** We don't own Star Wars, Mary Poppins or Kim Possible. Way to suck the fun out of it…..

**Diary Entry _I can't remember_**

I can't believe it! I really can't believe it! My one true love thinks I'm- I can't even say it! She stays as far away from me as possible! It's not fair!

That's it! I know that it's painful to do this but the consequences of NOT doing it are unbearable!

I must send Mara on a mission now I just have to figure out where to...

**XOXO A depressed and NOT GAY Palpy**

**Diary entry 206 (Remembered)**:

Corellia! There are loads of problems there! Well she is already on her way so there is no good in telling me it was a bad decision! I need some...space...

This relationship is getting to heavy for me to bear!

A bit of _self time_ and it'll be back on track.

It'll be like..._story time_ except longer...a change to escape reality for only a short while before being plunged back into a world of...hurt (sniff sniff)

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 207:**

I got a message.

A real message!

A message from MARA!

Well, it doesn't say who it's from but who else!

It says:

"Hello my darling little snufflebunny! Do you know how much I've missed my wonderful little snufflecakes?

Don't fret dearest I'm coming home to you in two days! Just think of that! Miss you so much my dearest dark lord! Oh I'm so proud of you!

See you soon!"

It's got to be Mara! Who else would call me those terms with such passion!

She's finally come to her senses and knows now that she loves me and can't stay away from me!

Note to self: Once managing to get Mara into bed, at all cost's DON'T HAVE KIDS! Not after what happened to Vader's!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 208:**

I am currently hiding in my closet. It turns out, that by some weird chance, that letter was not from Mara after all….. It was from…

**_MY MOTHER!_**

People say that in-laws are the worst thing in the galaxy, but they're wrong. My mother is worse than any in-law. She is embarrassing, humiliating, and number one fan of my baby photos. I'm temped to get the Storm Troopers to arrest her… but she might enjoy that. You see, upon her arrival this morning (in a top class Imperial ship that I did not give her authorization to be in!) one of the first things she said to me was, _"Those Storm Troopers are much better looking then you ever where….you were always an ugly child!"_

So, here I am, in my closet and I'm- **MOTHER!** WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?

Got to go NOW!

XOX- I mean… Farewell. Your Over Lord and Emperor, Palpatine.

**Diary Entry 209 **

Oh please, God's of Naboo! Help me, please HELP ME! This woman is driving me _insane! _I cannot handle her right now! I have a rebellion to find and destroy, breakfast to eat and a relationship problem to sort out!

I really need to calm down. I locked Mother in her room, but Darth Vader holds grudges and he let her out to torture me some more!

And what's worse, I got a message from Mara today, and this time it's _really _from Mara. It says;

"Mission completed successfully.

Your Hand and Assassin."

Not as romantic as I would have hoped for but right now that's not my main concern! My main concern is getting rid of Mother before Mara comes back and sees my baby photos!

**XOXOXO Frightened of the Female Race, Palpy **

**Diary Entry 210**

Today I asked mother when she will be leaving me, and she replyed "As soon as the wind changes…" (Apparently it was a quote from my favourite holo-movie when I was a child. Can't remember what holo-movie it was…) there is one problem to that….. THERE IS NO WIND IN SPACE!

So it looks like she is going to be here for a while, she's like a limpet. She finds a surface and sticks to it and no matter what you do you can't get rid of the old bag! What's even worse is that she compared me to her earlier! As if. Plus she added in all sorts of other adjectives, including: rude, aggressive, grumpy, obsessive, and stubborn!

I'll get her for that, because Vader was in the room and he agreed with her!

**XOXOXO Palpy **

**Diary Entry 211**

Mara has returned and was greeted on the docking platform by none other than my Mother. As for me, I was acting as Vader's double, hiding in a spare suit. How he sees or breathes in that thing- well, he uses a respirator for the breathing thing, but anyway.

So now I don't know how much Mother has told her about my childhood and about me in general! I'm frightened to show my face in public! I must get rid of her! I must! I have an idea!

Who would have thought it! It's a work of genius! How could I not have figured it out before now!

I'll send her to the Rebellion!

**XOXOXO Very happy Palpy **

**A.N. **_If you thought the sending Mother Palpy to the Rebellion was random, you have no idea. We just came up with it seconds ago!_

_When we were in America we watched a lot of Kim Possible on the Disney Channel. Because there was nothing else on. (cough, We actually think it's really funny, but don't tell anyone, cough!)_

_In one episode Drakken (sp?) mentioned his mother, and it gave us the idea that if this villain could have a mother, what was stopping Palpy having a mother. Hence, the impromptu visit from poor old Palpy's Mother Dearest. _

_But Kim Possible also inspired other ideas, which you will see unveiled very soon!_

_By the way….exams are over……for now…._

**_Thorney and Sweetdeath04 _ **


	4. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer: **_I think you've got the message that we don't own Star Wars, but just in case you're stupid, WE DON'T OWN IT!_

**Diary Entry 212**

'Mother dearest' is being the galaxies biggest pain! I'm arranging for her to be shipped off, via spies, to that Rebel scum!

Maybe she's learning that she's not wanted, because I think she's trying to earn her keep. She bought me a present! Mind you, it wasn't as bad as my birthday presents but she seems to think I'm a little kid! Outrageous! She bought me a packet of chocolate buttons!

So now I'm forcing them into my digestive system to keep her happy!

_Mothers!_

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 213**

Everyone is wondering why I'm talking funny today. I said I have a rare disease that messed up my voice box, but I'll tell you the truth;

I constantly have chocolate buttons in my mouth. They're quite tasty you know!

On another note, **_I FOUND MY EWOK BEAR!_**

Mr Duffy is safe with me again!

**XOXOXO (Still annoyed with Mum, but keeping her for the chocolate buttons!) Palpy**

**Diary Entry 214**

I have invested in a factory which will constantly supply me with chocolate buttons. They're more addictive than Spice!

Mother is of no further use to me so she must go! **_AT LAST!_** The deranged old lunatic thinks she is going on a mystery tour. The Rebels will most likely kill her if she mentions me, which she probably will. I just hope they kill her before she reveals my week points to them. (Eg, Mr Duffy and chocolate buttons)

So off she goes! Back to normal evilness! Now I must go and see off Mother!

**XOXOXO Very Happy Palpy**

**Diary Entry 215**

So happy Mummy is gone!

Have to do evil stuff!

**XOXOXO Palpy!**

**Diary Entry 216**

Shock and horror is the only way to describe this. I got a message from the Rebels. Naturally I wanted to gloat that my evil plan to get rid of Mummy had worked, so I called Vader and my one true love, my beloved Mara, to watch.

That's where things started to go wrong.

The message was a holo.

That outlaw Mon Mothma and several others, all leaders of the Rebellion, were standing around wearing absolutely awful woolly hats!

"Do you like our hats, Palpatine? I hope so, since your mother knitted them for us!"

You can not imagine my horror at hearing this. I was just glad I was sitting down!

Then the worst came. My mother, alive and well, came onto the picture.

"My dearest little Schnoobums! This is an absolutely wonderful vacation! I've made so many new friends! Hope you like the postcard!"

I could just _hear_ Vader and Mara laughing in their thoughts! It was my most humiliating defeat ever!

I'm going to go sulk now.

**XOXOXO depressed Palpy**

**Diary Entry 217**

Woolly hats.

Woolly hats, of all the most un-evil things my mother could do for the Rebels, she had to make them woolly hats!

Next thing you know, she'll be buying them puppies for Christmas!

She used to make me woolly hats… sniff!

But that was a long time ago… sniff!

So now, in order to destroy the Rebel Base, I will have to flatten my own mother into the ground!

I knew something good would come out of this situation!

Always look for the silver lining!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 218**

I am _very _annoyed with myself at the minute!

_**I FORGOT TO SEND A TRACKING DEVICE WITH MOTHER!**_

When we sent her to the Rebels, we thought we'd find out where they were, but we forgot to put a tracking device in her big red handbag, so now we're back to square one. Apart from the fact that I don't have my mother showing the Stormtroopers baby photos.

I just assumed Vader would do it. Vader assumed Mara would do it. Mara assumed I would do it!

_**NO ONE DID IT!**_

Panic, chaos and disorder are me.

**XOXOXO distraught, distressed and dis-evil Palpy**

**Diary Entry 219**

Another message has arrived from the rebels, but this time it's on paper. Written with a….pen? Well they must be in deep nerf poo if they're stuck with using those primitive forms of communication! I scanned the letter so you could read it for yourself… it is as follows.

Rebel Base

**Hoth**

The Galaxy

The Universe

BT73 3GP

Dear Palpy,

We just thought you ought to know that we here at the rebel base all find your mother to be a most engaging and useful asset. You should not have let her wander so freely about your station. She may be aging but her eyes and her ears are in perfect condition and she was only to happy to inform 'her darling little sonny boys bestest friends' of all his evil schemes that he has not yet put into practice.

She also shared with us some of the photos that you had so valiantly protected up till now. Cute bonnet by the way. Nice frills….

Anyway, we posted these pictures on our website in an attempt to boost moral. It worked amazingly, and in a way it was a bad idea, because now ever time we hold a meeting no one can say the words 'emperor', 'Palpatine' or 'evil' with out the whole congregation bursting into fits of mirth.

One more thing before I go, (my hands are getting cold from all this snow which is landing on the page), your mother has been too kind to us and has offered not only to knit us clothing but also to knit us weapons. So thank you Mr Palpy. Thank you very much indeed.

Yours sincerely,

The Rebellion

IF ONLY I KNEW WHERE THEY WERE!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**A.N. **This chapter is dedicated to our History Teacher, VinnyD, whose bad grammar, terrible maps, awful jokes and amazing stories have gotten us through many a History lesson for the past two years. Hope we have you next year too Vinny!

Strange, all the teachers hate our class but VinnyD insists that we're his favourite class!

**Thorney: For Sabacc readers also- sorry we haven't updated in a while but with school, music exams, speaking exams, martial arts exams, normal exams, weekends that seem to be growing shorter and shorter, stock judging, rock and heavy metal concerts, the distance between our houses seeming to get bigger and bigger, camps, German exchanges, weird dreams, other fan fictions, other friends, birthdays, dentist appointments and saving the world certain destruction and doom, we haven't had a lot of time to spare! But now……IT'S THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS! So there is plenty of time!**

_Sweetdeath04: I second that! And now a note on Palpy's addictions. When I was in Germany I met people that were addicted to Ice Tea, Kinder bars and Lego Star Wars. And at the minute I'm addicted to a crazy game called The Curse of Monkey Island! (ask Thorney!)_

**Thorney: What kind of people did you stay with in Germany! It's a kid's game! (But it's actually hilarious but don't tell Sweetdeath04 that I said that or she'll never let me live it down.) I'm far to mature for that!**

_Sweetdeath04: MAHAHAHA! I've converted her! And the people I stayed with in Germany were perfectly sane. It was the Northern Irish people who were crazy!_

_**Both: Anyway, that's all folks! HAHAHA!**_

**Thorney: Random fact- the guy that created the Loony Toons has 'That's all folks!' written on his grave stone! Seriously!**

_**Thorney and Sweetdeath04**_


	5. Chapter Five

Disclaimer: We don't own it. End of story.

Chapter Five

**Diary Entry 220**

I'm fed up with being a chocolate button addict, so I asked my head scientist to come up with a cure today. He said it couldn't be done. He soon found himself looking at me from the wrong side of the window that gives me a view of space in my bedroom. I asked his second in command; he also said it couldn't be done. What happened next was so gruesome that not even I dare to repeat it. His successor agreed to try…. Goodbye to him.

Finally I found a scientist who said he would be able to help. Although I think he may have been too scared to say no. So he lives.

I eagerly await his results.

**Diary entry 221**

My new head scientist has begged for more time to complete the task I set him of finding a cure for my little chocolate buttons problem.

He has suggested that I supply myself with some audio tapes which I am to play while I sleep.

They are nothing special, they just repeat the message "you hate chocolate buttons" over and over in a funny voice that sounds like a wompa's attempt at talking.

We will just have to wait and see. In rebel news I have given my code breaker the letters from that bunch of mean maggots. I should be receiving results soon.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 222**

Another day, another tape, another failure

Not only has my chocolate button addiction increased, but my code breakers are coming up with some preposterous ideas.

Darthy insists that the best way is to deploy probe droids to search the planets, but we're running low on funding

Why, you ask Well, Vader 'accidentally' murdered the head of the organisation that we threatened money out of. Must have squeezed his neck a bit too much. Ah well maybe more results tomorrow.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 223**

I have results! Not about my chocolate button addiction but about the rebel scum! My top code breakers have been searching through the letter I received and have come to the obvious conclusion…… take a look for yourself:

Rebel Base

**Hoth**

The Galaxy

The Universe

BT73 3GP

Dear Palpy,

We just thought you ought to kno**W** that we here at the rebel base all find your mother to be a most engaging and useful asset. You should not have let her wander so freely about your station. Sh**E** may be aging but her eyes and her e**A**rs are in perfect condition and she was only to happy to inform 'he**R** darling little sonny boys best**E**st friends' of all his evil schemes that he has n**O**t yet put i**N**to practice.

She also shared with us some of the photos that you had so valiantly pro**T**ected up till now. Cute bonnet by the way. Nice frills….

**A**nyway, we posted **T**hese pictures on our website in an attempt to b**OO**st moral. It worked amazingly, and in a way it was a bad idea, because now ever time we hold a meeting no one can say the words 'emperor', 'Palpatine' or 'evil' with out the whole congregation bursting into fits of mirth.

One more thing before **I** go, (my hands are getting cold from all this snow which is landing on the page), your mother has been too kind to us and has offered not only to k**N**it us clothing but also to knit us weapons. So thank you Mr Palpy. Thank you very much indeed.

Yours sincerely,

The R**e**bellion

When you put all the bold letters together you get 'We are on Tatooine'!

Other than that, not much has been happening! All I need to do is persuade Vader to miss out Hoth on his Probe Droid Scout.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 223**

The base has been struck by an epidemic of wompa flu almost over night. My investigators say that the germs were carried inside the letter I received from the rebels and were released when my code breakers delved too deeply in the letters contents. They obviously set off some kind of hidden mechanism.

WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM THEY WILL WISH THEY WERE NEVER……NEVER…..NEV- **ACHOOO! **BornI'll also have to ask them how they managed to keep wompas on Tatooine.

Everyone has caught the flu, it's horrible. I've got a temperature, sneezing, coughing, I'm paler than usual and I have a running nose. I can't taste anything I'm so blocked up. Not even my chocolate buttons. Sniff. **ACHOOO!**

**XOXOXO Palpy ACHOOO!**

**Diary Entry 224**

It appears that I was wrong to say that everyone has this Wompa Flu. Vader escaped it nicely and he's the only person not snivelling inside his helmet. When I ordered (nicely!) him to go get me a tissue because my nose was running he retorted rather rudely as to why I wasn't chasing it! I'm sure he was smirking in that mask of his.

I'm currently sulking in my privet chamber hugging my Ewok Bear. At least my dearest Mara wasn't here to see me like this.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 225**

During my moments of weakness Vader has acted of his own accord to deploy those Probe Droids. Including one on Hoth. Well, that's another several hundred thousand credits out the air lock.

Everyone is now recovering from the epidemic called Wompa Flu. Everyone, that is, except me! My medical experts say that I should be getting better any day now. I better had because if I don't they said they might have to keep me in quarantine. Whatever that means.

I've also been told to 'die quietly' as I was creating too much noise by sneezing while the Stormtroopers were training. Apparently it didn't sound enough like the middle of a battle field and more like a monster with a cold knocking down several walls! It was not! I only blew down two walls and sent about seventeen men to the hospital bay!

XOXOXO Pal- **ACHOOO!**- py

**Diary Entry 226**

The Impossible has happened! The Wompa Flu has mutated! IT NOW AFFECTS COMPUTERS AS WELL AS------------!"£$&(&&(&$££$&$$ HUMANS!

Itt Causes Bad PUNTuaction, GRAMM$$AR an& Zpellllin!

THE HOLE $YSTEM IS CRA5H1N aRounD are ACH000+1+ NO5E5 ……

**I CANT HOLD IT! MY RECORds!**

**!"£$&()SDFGHJKKJH£$&JHGF£$RTUIGFR$E£W"£$(&$£"QAYUI**

**_THIS IS WOMPA FLU, YOU ARE OFFICALY INFECTED. HAHA. STAND BY FOR SYSTEM WIPE!_**

_**NOOOO!**_

"!YVTYUIO)(&GHJQYUHBIJ(&CUIJMNBHTFRDE$WSIU&!

**XOXOXO WOMPA FLU**

**A.N Hello We'ER BAcK!**

_Sweetdeath04: Enough with the bad punctuation!_

**Thorney: SoRRy**

_Sweetdeath04:_ dead pan look that means trouble appears on face.

**Thorney: We've been away for a long time so sorry. You can all put your pitch forks and toasting rods away now because we are back in town. Thank goodness for half term.**

_**Thorney and Sweetdeath04**_


	6. Chapter Six

Disclaimer: We don't own Star Wars or The Wizard of Oz (there are a few references. See if you can spot them!).

**Diary Entry 1- New**

So many records have been written before this one, but up until now they have been deleted by the Wompa Flu Virus.

So much time has past and so many things have happened. To summarise, I am a genius! I told Vader Hoth was a good idea! The Rebels are there! We've found them at last!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 2- New**

Battle is about to commence! I've got popcorn, chocolate buttons and my favourite high-in-sugar drink sitting beside my giant holo-screen. This should be quite a movie!

Anyway, Ozzel- nice chap. Agreed with me on everything- came out of lightspeed a bit too early… so Vader choked him. It's so much hassle, filling out the paperwork- making sure his family don't sue and all that.

AH! The battle's about to begin!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 3- New**

WAIT! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THEY'RE ESCAPING! GET AFTER THEM! THIS IS A DISASTER!

ALL THE REBELS ARE GETTING AWAY AND MY IMPERIAL WALKERS ARE FALLING LIKE FLYS!

One was taken down by a snow speeder; tow cable around its legs. One just seemed to blow up! This is terrible!

OH WAIT! That's GOOD! That's REALLY GOOD!

Goodbye Rebel Scum! Your base is destroyed!

TAKE THAT!

**XOXOXO Delighted Palpy**

**Diary Entry 4- New**

How is this possible? A hunk of junk managed to get through my blockade? NOT FAIR!

I looked up some records for it and the only ship that matches its description is called the _Millennium Falcon_ and can be classified as the fastest ship in the galaxy!

Humph! I want it! NOW! I must contact Vader!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 5- New**

I'm sure that I thought of it before. Maybe it slipped my mind and that's why I didn't tell Vader…

He suggested that we attempt to turn his son to our side!

Obviously! We will use his friends in the _Millennium Falcon_ to draw him to wherever we are! Then… POW! BANG! SQUISH! He'll be here and ready to learn before you can say Wompa Flu!

In other news-

Something very strange happened today. I was walking, normally, down a corridor of my Star Destroyer, when my foot went straight through the floor! It took five troopers to get me out! When we examined the wood we saw it had been… eaten away! Maybe we haven't been feeding the Stormtroopers enough.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 6- New**

Vader is insistent that we hire Bounty Hunters to track the _Millennium Falcon_. I must agree! It means that we can get on with more important things… such as finding efficient Pest Exterminators!

It's so unfair! These beasts have eaten away at my bed! It collapsed.

You'd think that the Emperor of the Galaxy would get a bit of respect! But nooo… the Stormtroopers need their beds so that they can rest up to fight and Vader has a special medical bunk with extremely uncomfortable breathing apparatus attached- so I'm reduced to a sleeping bag that's full of holes!

These 'beasts' are either mouse droids gone rogue or termites. I'm betting on the mouse droids!

**XOXOXO Palp- AHHH! IT'S CHEWING MY TOES! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!**

**Diary Entry 7- New**

I knew it! I told you I suspected termites! Apparently, they've been here for weeks, chewing away at the power cables, without anyone knowing. Well, we'll see about this!

I wonder if we could hire a bounty hunter to exterminate them… a disintegration blast here, another one there… Bob's your uncle, your aunt is Lizzy, I have my ship back, and I'm out of this tizzy!

I've decided Poetry is my thing!

Roses are red; violets are… hmm… that's a tough one…

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 8- New**

Yellow! Violets are yellow!

I have decided that I must write a ballad of love to my wonderful Mara!

Vader has sent messages to 5 of the best bounty hunters. One, Boba Fett, disintegrated the man we sent him to kill the first time we hired him. I might ask him to sort out our termite problem. Perhaps I could bribe him with chocolate buttons!

However, I am appalled at the clarity of some of the officer's speeches while they're insulting the Rebels! They just don't have enough _feeling_ and _disgust_ in their tones! It's "Rebel SCUM"! Lots of emphasis! They must be taught that Rebels in my wonderful empire are nothing more than… well, scum!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 9- New**

Mwahahaha! I think an evil laugh is long overdue…

My ballad is done!

_Mara, Oh Mara, sweet as a Gundark's breath. _

_Mostly hair, shiny as dead fish scales; eyes as dark as death. _

_My redhead, brunette, mostly blonde belle, _

_Smells like mother's cooking, she'll give the rebels hell! _

_Nice an' hollow from feet to head, _

_Teeth yellow as the twinkling stars, I will love you till you're dead!_

_Palpy_

What do ya think?

It's only a first draft!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 10- New**

I asked a random Stormtrooper what he thought of my ballad. He read it and I don't know whether he fainted in fright of by withholding laughter.

Vader offered to choke the guy- but then he read it too. He wasn't very impressed- I could tell! He was thinking it!

The Bounty Hunters are coming tomorrow so it might be a good idea to reinforce the docking bay before all hell breaks loose. If one of them gets a clue where the _Millennium Falcon_ is, it'll cause all kinds of chaos, damage and destruction! Gun fights in the toilets again, I'm sure! Bossk must control that temper of his!

I'll really have to ask Fett about that Pest Control thing. I wonder how many chocolate buttons he'll want as payment… I'll just have the staff at my factory working overtime, just in case it's a lot more than we expected!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 11- New**

Yahoo! The termites are dead!

_Hey ho, the termites are dead!_

_Which old termites?_

_The Wicked Termites!_

_Hey ho, the Wicked Termites are dead!_

Maybe I ought to send that poem to Mara…

Anyway, Boba Fett did the job but he insisted on being paid in real credits! Not even chocolate credits! And apparently he doesn't like chocolate buttons! Says he's more of a gummy bear man!

He used all sorts of different methods, but he got them all. Now the only problem is that there are thousands of tiny corpses everywhere!

Snort Bounty Hunters! Never clean up after themselves!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 12- New**

I don't believe it! The cleaning droids are demanding a pay rise! They're _droids_! They're the inferior race! They don't even breathe!

Well, actually, they're demanding _pay_. I never gave them credits before! They're currently on strike and leaving the rotting bodies of the termites to carpet the ship!

Not to mention-

**GREAT LORD OF THE SITH! WE'VE FOUND THE MILLENNIUM FALCON!**

**XOXOXO Hyperactive Palpy**

**Diary Entry 13- New**

I. HATE. ASTEROIDS.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 14- New**

Sniff We've lost it! It's not fair! I want that ship! It's gone! So are the majority of my TIE Fighters!

The Bounty Hunters are still searching even though it's probable that the Millennium Falcon is gone for good! Destroyed! A hunk of junk!

Well, Vader disagrees but he's always wrong! He says that it's still in the Asteroid Belt! Pah!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 15-New**

I'm sulking in my chambers. Life sucks. It really does…NO don't try to talk me out of it! Apparently being the overlord of an entire galaxy is not enough for someone of my ambition. I must have that ship otherwise I am useless. Also Mara. That would be good to.

I'm in a sad and vulnerable state today, yet I have no one to talk to. I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 16- New**

I'M SO HAPPY! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Yes! That's right! We have found the _Millennium Falcon_!

Well, actually, Boba Fett has and he's asking for a lot of credits! I offered him gummy bears but he prefers credits.

He also wants the Captain of the _Millennium Falcon_, Han Solo, for a bounty. Jabba the Hutt is paying good credits for this guy.

But that's his fate, not mine! I HAVE THE _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ IN MY POSESSION AT LAST!

Or I will have by the end of the day!

**XOXOXO Delighted Palpy**

**A.N. **_Hello! It's the winter break and we're back!_

_Eruption of cheers from audience_

_Thank you, thank you! We'll be signing autographs after the show and we'll be here all day!_

_(You can buy official Sweetdeath04 and Thorney Merchandise from your nearest chain store. Batteries are not included.)_

**Thorney: On a more serious note, we are back and we're ready to rock 'n' roll. **

_Sweetdeath04: And while we're at it, we had a beta reader for this chapter. **MistyRiver** took up residence at our 'headquarters' while this was being typed up and she made it readable! As well as typing a little herself!_

_Thanks for the reviews! Keep R&R!_

**_Sweetdeath04 and Thorney_ **


	7. Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: We don't own Star Wars or anything related to it!

**Chapter Seven**

**Diary Entry 17 –New**

Fantastic news and infuriating news.

Boba Fett found the Falcon; They're at a place called 'Cloud City' on Bespin!

I was so excited to hear of this! I couldn't wait to catch them and then defeat Skywalker Junior in combat when he makes his feeble attempt to rescue his friends. But just as I was about to leave for Cloud City I received a letter from Vader…

HE'D ALREADY GONE TO CLOUD CITY! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY!

I was really looking forward to it! It was all planned!

When Solo and his companions discover they have been betrayed by the people who gave them shelter they will be so confused and will be saying, "Who was the incredibly smart, cunning and handsome genius behind all of this?" That is when I would turn slowly around in my swivel chair (hopefully with some kind of furry, cute yet evil looking pet on my knee) and say, "Yes! It is I!" and they'll say, "You?" and I'll say, "Yes!" and they'll say "NOOOOO!" and I'll laugh evilly and say, "You've fallen right into my trap!"

Then I will send them off to be tortured… hmm, I should make it into a ballad!

But it will never happen now! However. I will not make the same mistakes as the evil villains before me! I have **_guide lines!_**

_1._ _Do not let your arch enemy escape,_

_2. Do not tell them your evil plan at any time._

_3. A convincing, evil laugh is important._

They go on but I shan't bore you! Mind you, I'll bet Vader will make all those mistakes!

Ha! Knowing him, the people he bribes to catch Solo will probably help his escape!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 18-new **

NOOOOOO! What did I tell you! I knew Vader would make all the mistakes! I warned him, but did he listen? NOOOOO!

And SOB the people who were bribed to catch Solo helped the rest of his crew escape- in SOB the millennium Falcon! NOOOOO! I will never be happy again! All I have to show for my evil scheme is …well, I don't have anything but according to Vader, young Skywalker's missing a hand and a lightsabre! And I'm missing the Millennium Falcon, again.

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 19-New**

"_Don't worry my master (Whooo Paa), Carbonite will work (Whooo Paa)! It's fool proof my Master! (Whooo Paa)."_

Well it may have been fool proof, but it certainly wasn't moron proof because Vader failed! I'm still very annoyed! However in order to calm myself down I'm thinking about starting yoga. In the meantime I'm going to wait… Solo has been captured and sent to Jabba the Hutt so it won't be longuntill Skywalker attempts to rescue him (apparently that's what _friends_ do…) So when he resurfaces I'll be waiting for…yes…I'll be waiting…

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 20- New**

Hmmm… I'm currently meditating to 'calm my stressed nerves.' Ha! Stress?

I'm not stressed! All I have to think about is whether or not Solo survives travelling in carbonite casing- if he doesn't Fett'll want a refund and we really can't afford to pay him credits- otherwise we'll have to beg the Rebels for money to fight them, and that's totally unthinkable!

I need to find the_ Millennium Falcon_, I need to find the Rebels and I need to think about this blasted breathing! In through the nose, out through the mouth!

No! I'm not stressed at all!

**XOXOXO completely un-stressed Palpy**

**Diary Entry 21- New**

I think I need to see a doctor.

What little hair I had left over from my extremely premature balding is…

FALLING OUT!

This isn't fair! My good looks are nothing without my hair! (Hey, that rhymes!)

I'm going to get a wig tomorrow. Apparently stress can make your hair fall out… but I'M NOT STRESSED so it can't be that…

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 22 –New**

MWAHAHAHAHA! Once again I look youthful! I have a jet black toupee to hide my premature balding!

I also have been advised to see a personal physician about my mental state! I can't imagine why. I'm a genius, not a madman. AND IT'S NOT STRESS!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 23 –New**

Apparently I'm a madman, not a genius and it _is_ stress.

Well, what does he know! For all his certificates, qualifications, awards, special merit prizes, extra credits, titles, PhD's and excellent results, he lacks one thing… intelligence!

He's really mean! When I walked I into his office for my first session today he said, "Good morning! Please take a seat!"

Imagine speaking in that tone! To ME!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**Diary Entry 24 –New**

Apparently the first part of getting rid of my 'stress' is acceptance. He says I have denial written all over my face, but when I looked in the mirror I found out he was lying!

My advisor tells me he's trying to lead me into an insidious plot to annihilate me! But my doctor tells me that it would be fatal for me not to be relieved f my 'stress'!

So I have to go back! I must go if I want to live but I must constantly be on the look out for assassination plots!

What am I going to do!

**XOXOXO Palpy**

**A.N, Thorney: Greetings Mortals! We're back, live and fighting with all our might against the Cosmic Joker. (He's the dude that makes everything bad happen in your life while he sits and laughs at you).**

_Sweetdeath04: Yo! What do you think of this chapter? We've all been a bit busy so it's taken a while to get everything posted. Oh well! We're back now! _

_Keep R&R'ing!_

_**Thorney and Sweetdeath04**_


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